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Surprise Pregnancy! (Baby #3)



"Most people are so worried about the gender of the child and other mundane things that they miss the awesome beauty of simply having another life pass through you to earth. This is what a mother enjoys."


Surprise! I am pregnant - again! Not only that, I am pregnant at 5 months postpartum after having our rainbow baby, Benjamin, making this pregnancy all the more shocking and highly unexpected. 

We didn't use any form of birth control, so there really isn't a reason to not expect a pregnancy when obviously we had been risking it. Yet, sex didn't always = baby for us. It took 4 years to naturally conceive our rainbow baby after loss; we just didn't think that we were taking any risks... or at the least not a very "high risk." 

There is this belief that women are "super fertile" after giving birth, which I didn't believe was true. We have battled with infertility for years (before and after loss), I really didn't think that my fertility health would improve after having Benjamin. Honestly, I thought things would resume back to the way things were, i.e., PCOS/irregular periods and sex resulting with no baby. 

Well, whaddayaknow?! It turns out to be true THIS time around. 

However, I don't know whether to feel to pride or fear. Pride because my body is pregnant for a third time, all without waiting for another 4 years! And fear because we JUST had a baby not too long ago. I have no idea how we are going to balance having two babies under two. Not to mention, we are struggling with finances and have yet to find our own home. Having two babies will definitely make our budget tighter and savings harder, but it's wonderful that Benjamin will have a sibling to grow up and play with, especially being that they would be very close in age. 

*Note how I am trying extremely hard not to say "IF we have the baby."

Yes, I am absolutely, without a doubt, scared shitless that I could lose this baby. I have already started doing "underwear checks" and worry about the possibility of miscarriage, and my worst fear, another stillbirth (I did this same thing and have the same fear during my pregnancy with Benjamin). Having a prior (successful) cerclage pregnancy does not make me feel any safer nor confident. After stillbirth, all I have learned was that things happen, things out of my control CAN happen.  

And yes, a pregnancy after a pregnancy after loss is still scary! It doesn't matter how many times you get pregnant after loss, the loss still haunts you.

My doctor did say that it is most likely that I will have a cerclage for this pregnancy, which does give me some relief, yet, the other part I worry about is if I am able to continue working while having the cerclage placed. 

My first cerclage wasn't as "invisible" as I would have liked. I could actually feel the stitch pinching me at times and still had a hard time doing normal things, like walking, standing, sitting. 

I know for sure that my current job is risky and would eventually be hard on my now pregnant body. I carry/lift loads up to 40 lbs., pull/push pallet jacks, constantly climbing ladders, and is always on my feet. I actually enjoy my new job - something not many people can say - and find the hours unbeatable. I work in the early mornings and am off before or by noon, which gives me more time with Bub than if I had to work later in the day/evening. It feels good to be back at work and making a bit of income after having a baby. I have time to be out on my own (for my sanity) and socialize with people, and can help add to the savings. Work outside of home gives back some kind of normalcy; having a baby changes so much. 

Now that I am pregnant again, it also feels like I took a step backward. 

I'm not saying that I'm not grateful for this pregnancy, I'm just worried that this pregnancy could add more work/stress/exhaustion on my whole body (physically, mentally, emotionally). I wonder how other moms do it - pregnant while caring for another baby, while also working, while also trying to be a good wife and having meals cooked/house cleaned without going insane. I mean, it now takes me a day or two to finish our load of laundry (excluding baby clothes) and that already makes me feel awful! 

But, I digress. 

Overall, I am happy though. Despite being pregnant again much sooner than I thought, I do want this baby more than anything. Not too long ago, I was sad, thinking that Benjamin might be the only living child. I didn't think another pregnancy would be possible... well, at least for another few years or so. My heart welcomes this baby with open arms. My mind on the other hand, is having difficulty with realizing that this pregnancy is real, which is typical in the early weeks. Not to mention, all my mind seems to think about is Benji and sleep. 

When I took the pregnancy test, I wasn't hoping with desperation that it was positive like I had all those years ago. There was a slight hope, but moreso, I took the test just to "check in" with my body. I was expecting a period and was making sure that I wasn't "late," but rather irregular for the month. Little did I know.... 

And yet, a part of me knew. 

Early in the morning before leaving to work one day, I had this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and felt like vomiting, but nothing came out. Along with it came this unexplainable nervousness like something was about to happen. I remember feeling and going through this exact same thing (at nearly the exact same time of day) before I found out I was pregnant with Benji. 

(Fun fact: I found out I was pregnant with Benji on August 30, 2019! I am now pregnant during the same time as last year!)

The thought of pregnancy came into mind, but I decided not to linger too long. Wishful thinking, I thought to myself. I couldn't be.... It always surprises me how if I would just listen to my intuition.... 

Those two lines appeared faster than I could count to five. 

And I still can't believe it. I want to take another test even though I had already taken two at home (both are positive) and one at the clinic, which they confirmed it is indeed, definitely positive. 

Our first prenatal appointment is set on October 5th, which will include an ultrasound. I would be about 8 or 9 weeks along then. Still, having an appointment set to see this baby hasn't quite convinced me that this is all real! Until then, I'll finally believe it. 

For now, this baby is a thought swirling around my head. I am already imagining breastfeeding him/her. And yes, I really did miss being pregnant!

Here we go again....

Baby #3 due May 2021?? 

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