Cerclage Pregnancy, Coronavirus Worries, Getting Closer to Delivery

"It's all about finding the calm in the chaos." - Donna Karan 

Today, we are 35 weeks and 3 days pregnant with our rainbow baby, Benjamin. I cannot believe (and am super stoked) that I am this far along. Moreover, it is strange to admit that aside from getting a cervical cerclage placed at 21 weeks, this pregnancy has been relatively "normal." But, hey, I'm not complaining. And by "normal," I mean without concerns or complications, just the typical aches and pains of pregnancy. 

My cervix hasn't showed signs of shortening since the cerclage, my water hasn't broken prematurely, baby has been developing perfectly and is very active, and no bleeding or other leakages. 

We also passed the glucose screening at 28 weeks, which had me reeling with anxiety. Alongside hamburgers, I had a huge craving for anything sugary, chocolatey, and ice cream-y (still do). I honestly thought I had already gotten gestational diabetes way before the screening. And I was preparing to be sorely disappointed in myself; I felt guilty for not being able to control these cravings. Thankfully, we've been cleared and are doing great! (Also, I've cut down on the burgers). 

Recently, we had the Group B Screening done (still waiting for results) and will probably have a couple other tests/screenings to do before delivery. I am feeling pretty confident in that we will be okay and most likely pass them with flying colors. 

However, with this new COVID-19, or "Coronavirus" pandemic going around, I am not so sure what to expect concerning baby's and my health, especially since we are close to the due date. It took months - pretty much up until now - to feel confident about the pregnancy. I was constantly worried that something bad could happen to the baby (or that his heart would stop beating) and that the cerclage would fail (still am, but not as much). 

Now that everyone is "panic-buying" and "social-distancing" themselves in the case of protection from the virus, I am feeling a little unsettled, but more than anything, uncertain about the future. Being pregnant weakens the immune system, already making me vulnerable to any kind of illness. 

Adding Coronavirus to the mix of worries, I really can't catch a break. I am beginning to feel anxious about delivering in the hospital where I, especially the baby, could be exposed to the virus. I am worried about his safety being that he would be born during a time of a health crisis. I would be utterly devastated in losing another baby (to something I couldn't control) and right now, I cannot imagine going through another loss when we are so, sooooo close to finally taking a live baby home.

Another unnerving thing: diapers and baby wipes are part of the list of things that people are clearing out from the shelves. This panic-buying situation is getting crazy and I am starting to question if I should buy diapers and baby wipes before there aren't any left by the time we have the baby. 

Speaking about buying things for the baby, I still feel nervous and unsure if it's safe to do so, at least until after baby is born. I did set up a baby registry online, since I decided not to have a baby shower. Some things were purchased, but that fear and (possible) regret of buying baby things are still ingrained in the back of my mind. When you lose your first baby, you don't know if you'll lose another... 

And I don't want to add to our collection of unused baby things. I don't want to put these things in a box and hide them in the closet for who knows how many years until we fall pregnant again. 

My husband and I have bought quite a few things for Baby Benjamin - mainly clothing - but it's still hard to let go of the fear that he might not ever get to wear them, even though we have made it this far along in the pregnancy. Even though it is highly likely that he would survive if born today. Even though everything seems to be going good and "normal." I don't know if I am trying to find a reason to doubt what we have been waiting for, what I have longed and prayed for. But if I am, it is because in our first pregnancy, everything was normal, until it wasn't. 

Yet, at the end of the day, I am grateful that baby and I are currently safe, healthy, and alive. We have less than 5 weeks left to go, but with our cerclage removal scheduled at 37 weeks, we might be meeting Benjamin very, very soon! So far, the cerclage has been a success, and that's certainly something to be happy about during a time such as this. 

Lately, all I have been doing is resting as much as possible, and watching labor and delivery videos on YouTube. (I wasn't put on bed rest with the cerclage, but feel that my body is slowly giving out and needs time to slow down.) Every time I see these tears of joy reactions from the parents, especially the from the mom, I, too, cry tears of joy. It's funny because I never understood it or why it's typically shown in movies - I even thought it was silly - but now I understand. 

It's because you've carried and waited and labored all just to witness this living miracle that lived inside of you. It's this feeling of hard work and then, finally being able to see, touch, know and love (even more) what we have created. It's realizing that God gave you a gift that wouldn't be possible without love. I know that I have felt all of these emotions and understood this after giving birth to Elijah, but to see birth without sorrow, it's one of the most precious and powerful moments. I really am looking forward to experiencing this with Benjamin.


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